Let's not start with the usual 'it's been while'. I'm anyhow talking to myself.

I've decided to start writing memoires for my own self, see where I stand today, where I'll go tomorrow and wherever I'll end up in the end.

My life is like a house of cards. Building carefully and getting good results, but then, someone/something always opens up the window during a tornado, so I can start again. Question really is, how many times is someone supposed to start all over again and again.

Maybe I'm thinking wrongfully, maybe it didn't collapse, but it's making a statement where I need to improve my foundations. But then again, things which make me sad are things I cannot control at all.

I'm facing a sentence of 3 years in prison. And I haven't got the slightest clue why. I mean, yes, I might have caused an accident, and yes, a guy passed away. But then again, I have already done a sentence of 5 years now. 5 Years in agonizing terror and pain, isn't that like more than enough? Probably not.

But all of this wouldn't be so hard to endure if I'd only could share the weight. But I can't. There is no one - except for my loving wife who still doesn't quite understand what mental pain is - to listen to me. Anyone who does, is doing that just because I asked for it. No one ever calls me, asks me what's going on really. Anyone, except my second brother - J. He does. He remembers, He asks. I start to believe he might be actually interested. At all.

Don't know if I already wrote on this subject, but there is this "how are you?" question. A generic question, mostly used with as much purpose as saying "hi". When my marriage almost failed, and we went to hear some lectures on relationship, we've learned that ANY relationship solely bases on communication. About sincere communication that is. My shrink told me to ask my wife a simple question: "How are you? But not the substitutional how are you, but the real one, how are you really? Profoundly? Be honest. 

Lots of things change suddenly. It's like you can see through the window much clearer, as if it was always obscured by these half-transparent curtains. 

Well, this is what's really missing. There is no one who profoundly asks me how I am, except for J. Even my brother is reluctant to ask, since he has a very sensitive attitude towards these things, and is also rather evasive, which is absolutely not to be seen as something negative, he simply is that way. And he's still the one I love the most on earth. But friends... What is a friend, if he/she doesn't share in the misery? Only small talk, that's not being a friend. At times, I even feel I'm pushing myself too hard to consider one a friend. Like A., he never asked me profoundly how I'm doing, not for the last two years. Or JH, it's like I want to see him far more than the opposite way. There is no one. Deal with it.

Then there is T. My current employer. He wants to help me desperately with my court-case (maybe because I'm not delivering results and he wants me to get over it), and now he went as far as to offer me a lawyer who would actually BRIBE the judge in court, so I can get off with a 1 year suspended... I got so confused I even hesitated to accept this 'offer'. He said, this was the usual way for doing 'business' in Hungary. Really??? I mean, I have seen a lot of things in this country, but never heard about a small guy bribing a judge. It's not Venezuela. So, now I'm pissed off even at him to even CONSIDER this an offer. It could have got me in even worse trouble. Didn't he actually think about this for a second?

What I should do:

- talk ONLY to the ones who really care, everyone else is just a fart in the wind in terms of communication (don't let yourself get 'advised' to,

- understand the huge cultural difference between my own people (as in: Dutch) and the Eastern-European former Soviet-block countries. They are all living in 1928 still. It is what it is.

- talk ONLY to the ones who really care, talk openly, respectfully, share, and accept

- talk ONLY to the ones who really matter, hear them out, ask them how THEY are

- fucking bullshit.