Many people are curious what this psycho-therapy is about what I'm going through. The thing is, that it's extremely hard to explain, since even I can't comprehend what's actually happening.

So, let's see what happens during some of my sessions.

We start normally at Wednesdays around 17:00pm, just after work. I sit down in one of the two available chairs, always with my back to the door (for whatever reason). Psychologist gets me a glass of water and a box of tissues (we're still waiting for that very moment my tears start to pour out...). First question, standard question and never changing: How are you. 

Here we stop for a moment. This question: 'how are you?' What does this contain? Different perspectives: does the questioner really want/need to know how you are, or is it just a general gesture of self-imposed superficial curiosity? 

Simply explained, I pay a lot of money for these sessions, so I really want to get the most out of it. As an answer - a good answer - to "how are you", I start summarizing all my thought, experiences and feelings since the last time we've met. I've never been so honest with anyone, not even with myself, but I've found out quite fast that it makes no sense not telling the complete truth to her. 

After summarizing, we get to the therapy itself (although only letting escape all my thoughts and feelings already is half of the therapy), which we determine upon from this moment on. Either we start to dig up the skeletons beneath the surface and try to comprehend why they are not decomposed yet; I can choose for stabilization which is merely soothing current emotions. This comes in when anger and fear are piled up so high, my surrounding is experiencing it as well. Or we can choose to truly puzzle the FD together. 

From all of these - except for stabilization - I'm not sure which is heavier. As I've already explained earlier on in my blogs, my current condition of PTSD is closely related to small 't'-s from my youth. Drinking parents, divorced twice, never had the helping hand one's supposed to have during their youth and the inability to cope with all responsibility I felt for my parents and brother/sister. 

There's a specific moment we tend to dig up, one of my skeletons. It's a moment when I was 16 years old. A real rebellion. I was always the guy who did the stupid things, just to make people aware of my presence. Once my brother came to pick up a fluffy little kitten. We had litters +10 kittens in a month, so choice enough. He chose one, and I was showing off by putting the kitten in the middle of my palm and lifting it to body's height - for no specific reason. Suddenly, the kitten fell/jumped off my hand, and we were witness to denial of the legend that all cats land on their feet; this one didn't.

It seemed as if its neck had been broken, since it was strangely crawling on the floor. At that very moment we looked up, time stopped for a second and my brother attacked me. Intense emotions, anger, hate, piled up shit from years before... My brother never ever attacked me physically in my whole life. He is and was just never like that. Unlike me. But that moment, everything turned around and I was suddenly in the middle of a struggle of my life. He was choking me, and I wasn't defending - yet. I knew I had to, but that would also cause me to hurt my ever-loved brother. 

Why do I still remember this so clearly? This was one of the many results brought up during such therapy sessions. I felt the same emotions I did then and on FD. Anger, confusion, helplessness, total oblivion. What happened after, was again exactly the same: instinct took over control when sane mind gave up. I attacked back, hurting and without remorse. If it wasn't for our father jumping in between us, one of us surely would have been hurt in a bad way.

Who knows how many of such situations are still crawling in my mind and weakening my sanity, without even knowing it! Maybe I should look at FD as a day when all of my unraveled memories will get to an end, solved as a Rubik's cube and not as the Gordian knot - it just doesn't work like that.

Since this post already gets too long, I'll continue with the other part of therapy, dealing with the actual FD.