Still reviving and trying to cope with everyday's struggle to seem normal, I recently had a very honest, tough and painful but true conversation with one very close to me.

He reminded me that in the very core of it all, it's my life and I should be selfish enough to not let anger and frustration take control over me. Also, he confronted me with what I already knew and tried to cope with: the trauma has not only affected me, but a lot of other people as well. The fears I have are severe and cannot be understood by anyone else than myself, and I should just not think about this as it is. The key is to accept fate, what's been done cannot be undone. The only way I can help those who have been suffering from the FD (Fatal Day) same as me but in a different way, is to make myself survive. It would cost not only my own life if I'd let it all slip out of my hands, I have to stay strong.

This is nothing new obviously, but I never saw the way to stay strong without building a huge barrier around my own emotions. Now I know - at least hope so. It's nothing more than grab to the things in life which makes your life worth to live. There are a lot more positive things in life than what you see.

So now, what I'll do, is maybe only a short note to myself, I'll list those things which REALLY matter and are happening/existing as we speak; not living on the past.

SHORTLIST TO OPTIMISM:

• a beautiful wife who does nothing else than defending our little family from harm; she is in no way trying to make it more difficult for me than it already is;
• Two lovely kids, who are adoring me, look up to me as their father, their idol. I should therefore behave likewise
• A great workplace, where almost no one knows about what I've been through, and THEY SHOULD NEVER know about this! This is why I feel so great;
• I always had a mindset which placed family and free time before anything else, so why should I waste that precious time on mind-bogging, neverending, useless thoughts when I can have so many great moments which those I love;
• My friends who stayed along even during the hardest part of all are still standing strong next to me. Without any doubt from them why they should, it's just natural. The only way I can thank them for this is to fully recover and come back stronger than ever;
• Although I will be facing consequences in a juridical matter, this is nothing more than a automated process. If someone dies in a car accident, someone has to be judged upon. This doesn't automatically mean I'll end up in jail, so why should I even think about a situation in which I perhaps never will actually be?;
• This immense weight on my shoulder should stay where it is, it's NOT to be lifted by others, and surely not by my own kids. The weight is relative: mankind takes as much as they can endure;
• We are not suffering from poverty, political aggression, war, disabilities. We have our own house, car, garden, stabile income, we can go on holiday when we want and where we want, we live freely, I do whatever I want to; there simply is NO REASON to drag myself into misery

You wouldn't believe how much that very Saturday afternoon conversation has helped me, and I'm very thankful for the person who has put me right onto the ground. Amazingly, I finally understood one of my favourite Metallica songs "My Friend of Misery". Take the time, listen to it and read the lyrics. It actually just translates everything I just wrote down. 

NO MORE misery for this guy. I will not guarantee I'll never ever write anything negative anymore into this blog, since it profoundly helps me understanding a lot of things, but I can guarantee that from now on, LIFE has radically changed inside my mind.

THANKS to EVERYONE who still stands strong next to me, you'll see it made sense!