Hey there, it's been a long time - again. I haven't disappeared, just have been wandering through the cycle of mentality and instability. Going through those damned peaks and valleys. A month ago, my first court-session has taken place. Three years of imagining somehow brought fantasies into reality it seems; it has been exactly as I had visionized: a prosecutor with the face of a killer, a judge who has absolutely no fun in the job, my lawyer looking like a scholar in his toga, and of course, the fence. This fence:

Be honest, when you picture a courtroom, this is one of the first pieces of furniture you imagine, right? 

Anyhow, one hour of hearing whatever other think I might or might not have done, pretention, fiction. 600+ pages of absolute fantasy. Written by the Hungarian state to prove their right against my wrong. Wouldn't it be on me, probably would find it even funny in a way. How can you prosecute someone - anyone, based on a story written by some dude in his office, creating graphics on what MIGHT have happened. 

This is not why I'm visiting my journal again though, it's because I've taken a new - small - step in becoming a 'better' person. Since yesterday (28/10/2019) not smoking anymore, and also started running. I woke up at 5:30AM, put on my newly-purchased running shoes and ran the hell out of myself. And it felt good! Really, breathing, feeling I'm actually alive. I'm haveing a hard time right now though with no smoking, it seems the first 24hrs are easy, but what comes next is goddamn mental terrorism. I need to smoke badly, and I know it's not difficult to lessen the urge, I'm drinking coffee next to a goddamn cigarette shop as I write!

Anyhow, I'm going to do it. I'm proving MYSELF. Not you, not my kids, not anyone, just me! That I actually have the willpower. It's all about willpower anyhow, and who has willpower if not me? I've lived through terrible moments and survived every one of them. With pure willpower. So how can a stupid straw of pure cancer stop me? Sucking a straw, which is gruelly expensive, tastes like shit, stinks for days after, and only kills you in the end. Makes sense? No. ABSOLUTELY NOT. So fuck that and welcome my new HEALTHY life!