So here I am, being. Just being. Don't know if you have ever bothered to think about this. Have you ever felt being really alive? I recently deepened myself in meaning of life. And not the 42 thing. The real thing. Why people feel like going on and on, even while everyday is the same. The same struggle. Meaningless.
A lot of cultures see life as an inbetween stage. They genuinely believe that there WAS something before and there WILL be something after. This aspect has recently got my attention. Why did I start with me just "being"? Except for my lovely wife and kids, there is simply nothing whatsoever left as being worthy of being called a life target. Nothing.
As I wander around my own ridiculous terrifying mind, no day goes by waiting for that very spark called 'meaning'. Just watch everything from the outside, is it really meaningful to live a life only for the sake of others? I've read a blog about someone whose deepened herself into whatever people feel before they peacefully leave this forsaken place called life. She has asked hundreds of elder or terminated sick people whatever they miss the most or are truly unforgiven of. There were five things which always returned, but all pointed back to that one sacred thing: lack of being yourself and pursuing your own goals. When my mother passed away, just a few days before that, she exactly told the same thing. She was sorry for not living the life she always wanted. So, you pass away, and you look back at..? Nothing? No, certainly not nothing. We are here - her children, and we are alive and awake. But does that give meaning to your life? Did it to her? No.
I want to explore the ruins of humanity. I want to find my target in life. Speak to people who know that life is too short to wait for things to happen. Pursue happiness (loved that film btw). It simply doesn't make too much sense to just be. Just being means you're not happy, and you cannot fully live your life. When you have a clear target which makes YOU happy, that happiness spreads over to the ones next to you. Your beloved ones. So, if it isn't there, all you spread is misery. Contaminate your beloved ones. Your wife, your children.
What I truly want right now is to leave everything behind - if only for a small period of time. To start finding my real self and my cause in life. The reason why I'm still here and haven't joined my colleague wherever he is now. Eversince, I'm simply missing the point and I don't want to be of a bother to anyone near me. I have lost already too much of them anyway.
And I will return! I will return as if I have been resurrected. The great Phoenix. Or whatever it is. I WANT to come back. I WANT to meet myself in the dark ally of life! Will anyone EVER understand this?
No, they won't. How could they? I'm blamable and accountable. And I couldn't leave, since people are depending on me. I know that. I love them - all of them. But that's exactly the reason why I should resurrect.
No matter what, I'm still here. Just being is also a form of life, and not a bad one in the end.
