One year has passed since FD. How was it to relive this day? One thing I became aware of is that the nature of celebrating/remembering an event in the past on that same very day is truly symbolic only. It was no different day than any other day. There was no sudden darkness, no solar eclipse or thunderstorm just because this should be this very day. It was just a day like any other. But still, symbolism has some perceptive content, which makes you more aware of what happened that day, one year ago. 

I woke up as on any other day (no sleep till getting up), nothing special. But when finishing my breakfast, I started to feel uncomfortable and trapped inside a spinning mind - much more furious then before. So, indeed, it makes sense that we tend to treat those days the same way as we do with our birthdays. 

Melancholy and lethargy filled up my cup for the day. Did as much as possible to retract myself from bad thoughts, though I did know I was planning to go out to the cemetery to visit Roland's grave. My ex-colleague and her husband joined me and gave me a ride to what is the point of no return. I was terribly afraid, you never understand why, since being 38, the thought of ghosts coming to eat up your brains is quite unlikely. I was most probably just afraid of myself. What I would do. I just stood there, for what I felt was timeless, but should have been like 30 minutes. I felt true sadness. But what I felt most, was peace. Inner serenity. All of these therapy sessions did make a change. I am in peace with the only one who did not survive. All the conversations I had with my therapist about how there should be some utter goal why he's not with us anymore. Call it destiny. Fate. Whatever. But he had a quest - somewhere else. Therefore he left. Now I understood. 

His mother passed away a few years ago. She was only 49 at the time, and it came out of nowhere. I know, because Roland told a lot about this. He was profoundly sad whenever this topic came up, but also did he never refrain from telling. Was it a sign? He wanted to be with her. It was like there was nothing left for him out here. Certainly there is/was. But might be that those goals were inferior to the great goal. 

So, I stood there and understood. And understood that - thanks to one colleague who really helps me a lot in bad times - Roland would feel pissed off if he'd look at me. Suffering like a piece of crap, while I'm practically the only one who survived without a - physical - scratch. What he would not give to return to life and swap places with me. And all I do, is suffer in deep misery, not giving optimism its well-deserved place. I don't do this because I don't want this to happen of course. It's uncontrollable at this stage. Whatever I feel, it's not my purpose to do so. But yes, she's right! He would shout at me: "STOP WHINING!!! START LIVING! THE WORLD NEEDS YOU, YOU NEED THE WORLD, GO OUT THERE!"

A week ago there was a workshop at my workplace. People with severe handicaps came to show that you can still be a functional role in life even with the worst of handicaps. There were blinds, deaf/mute's, autistic, wheelchair-bounded. Also there was this one guy, who got my fuel attention. During birth he, suffered of oxygen-failure. As a result, none of his limbs are working. They work, but spastically. Uncontrollable.

So he started to explain his story, it was really difficult to follow whatever he said, since also his voice has suffered. But he directly contradicted the fact that he looks like a pile of crap, his words were full of wisdom, intelligence. All words, though spoken very slowly, made sense, and were of true meaning. 

He explained, that he is a system administrator. IT. So, I was perplex. How can someone with such disabilities do something so sophisticated? Well, he showed. Since he cannot use his hands, nor his legs, he writes - on a keyboard - with his nose. Huh? Yes, he does. And fluently, and without any error. Faster than most 'normal' people do.

Then he put up some device, which is nothing more than a pair of glasses with some kind of antenna-like thing on the front. He said that it's easier to use that typing, since otherwise his nose starts to hurt. It looked very clowny, but this guy showed off in a way which you can only believe when you actually see it. A genius. Truly. He showed some of his websites and even some games he developed - on his own. Amazing. 

Eversince, this guy gives me ultimate strength to push trough. He's a true hero. A survivor. Sure, as my beloved brother says, he's a hero in perspective. He can probably never build such amazing wooden structures as I do. But for me it's not about jealousy or envy. He's simply a symbol for carrying on.

Just as Roland shouts at me. Exactly. With the ones who sincerely love me.