It's kind of astonishing to see how I am able to cover myself and my sad story from the outside. Except for a few, really no one knows about what I'm facing and what spins in my mind. Great addition to this is that even I hide from it myself - day by day.

When first confronted with all the suffering I am going through I was profoundly confused. The only rational thought that came in was to just follow whatever my brains are telling me. This was my first mistake. Your brain is seemingly coordinated by whatever you like to call your soul (sixth sense, instinct, whatever). But when faced with a tragedy you are simply not big enough to comprehend, your brain loses contact with life as a whole. After not taking professional help too seriously, I have experimented with calming my emotions and inner-self with non-prescripted medication, such as alcohol and drugs. These elements add a positive boost into your brains, so you APPARENTLY feel comfortable. You sleep, do things, and not think about whatever happened or is still coming your way. Simply because you blocked it away. But these "medications" are only very short-lasting, and do only force you to take more and more. That's what false information from your brains deploy.

During my sessions at the psychologist, one thing I've learned rather quick is that my brain does simply two things: "Fight or flight" it's called. And it's no good. At all. My thoughts were and still are more on the flight-side, and severe negative ideas burst out of it. End your life, stop the circus as it is... 

So what you do, is eventually put a mask on your face, so no one sees what's burning inside you and makes you also act more or less like a normal person.

Seems rather good, no? Just acting as if nothing happened, no need for alcohol & drugs to do so. It's just a play, a big game we call life. Has it always been like that? As a matter of fact, yes. Infinitely, I'm of meaning that our soul, our inner-self is composed by all your acts and passions, thoughts together. It's something you're not born with.

When you're in survival mode, your mask shows the same strength you had before, it bears signs that everything's ok. You don't want to confront the ones you love always and forever with pain and misery. Think about two small kids; they don't want to see their papa crippling away. So you put up your mask, when you climb out of your bed. You go to your work, not a single person who notices. Yes, you seem quite exhausted, but nothing to look for behind it, there are two small kids at home, so it's natural to be tired.

What happens when your mask falls off? When you simply cannot handle the weight anymore? That's when hell starts. Faced with all of your unraveled mysteries, why, what, when and why, and WHY!? Why on earth did I survive? What's my destiny? How could it be that I was the lucky one to survive with a scratch, but now crippling from the inside? Dragging myself through hell each day? That very mask might solve a lot when wearing, but you cannot wear it all the time. Eventually, you put it off. At night, you start living through the whole thing again, seeing the disaster, you can taste it, smell it. Blood, steel. I can taste steel in my mouth as I write these very lines.

Today, I had to visit my psychiatrist again, to dope myself again, helping this relentless savage thoughts to become a bit more tame. We had this conversation (which always comes up again), that patience should be kept. Patience and time will solve, it's my salvation. Yes, but what is time when you experience hell each day? When your brain says: "get out of here, there is nothing good waiting, since I cannot comprehend at all". So, she cited a passage from letter of Job to the Romans, concerning the fact that suffering leads to patience... We've spoken about how all of the bible has logic and rational sense, but how can this major subject be so contradictory? 

Back to my mask. I love to put it on, it has become more or less a part of me, existing. I know, when not putting it on, I would hide away in a corner in a dark room, nagging on thoughts of how to cease all the torment. I know the end. That's why I love my mask, no matter how goddamn heavy it is.